Children Need Guidance, Not Guilt: A Psychologist’s Take This Children’s Day
1️.The Brown Parenting Dilemma: Love or Control?
This is something that every brown parent has said: “I’m doing this for your own good.”
In all honesty, it frequently stems from love—love that seeks to shield, prepare, and encourage kids to pursue better lives.
However, behind that love is frequently an inherited fear.
Fear of not succeeding, of social rejection, of losing authority over a child’s decisions.
The majority of us grew up in households that valued obedience and considered questioning to be impolite.
We were taught to please, not to stop and feel; to perform, not to express.
However, our kids are growing up in a different world. It requires not only achievers but also emotionally intelligent people, such as kids who can identify their emotions and deal with challenges.
Through a trauma-informed lens:’
A lot of what we refer to as discipline can occasionally turn into emotional avoidance.
“What is my child’s behavior trying to tell me?” is a question that trauma-informed parenting encourages us to consider.
Since a tantrum is a nervous system in distress expressing, “I’m overwhelmed and I need your help to calm down,” it is not manipulation.
Parenting becomes more about connection and less about control when we begin to view behavior as communication rather than rebellion.
2️. Understanding the Child’s Brain: Neurobiology of Connection
A child’s brain interprets danger rather than words when they are being screamed at, compared to, or criticized.
The child enters fight, flight, or freeze mode when the brain’s natural alarm system, the amygdala, activates.
The prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain in charge of logic, reasoning, and impulse control, momentarily shuts down in that state.
Because of this, no child can “listen and learn” while experiencing fear or embarrassment.
Because safety is connection, not silence.
In addition to calming feelings, a composed parent aids in the regulation of the child’s whole nervous system.
Co-regulation comes before self-regulation.
Instead of telling your child to stop crying now, you are allowing their brain to reset when you take a deep breath with them.
Your calm teaches them how to find theirs.
3️. Core Trauma-Informed Parenting Principles
1️ Safety before strategy
Connect first, then correct.
Only when a child feels emotionally secure in your care can discipline be effective.
Trust is developed far more quickly by a gentle presence and a calm voice than by fear. The child’s mind opens to learn rather than to defend when they feel seen.
2️ Curiosity over control
Try “What’s happening for you?” rather than “What’s wrong with you?”
With this small change, judgment becomes comprehension.
When we approach kids with curiosity, we encourage them to share rather than to keep quiet. “You are safe to talk—you are not in trouble for feeling,” it informs them.
3️ Regulation over reaction
Kids learn from our calmness, not from our angry words.
Your body language, breathing, and tone all convey more information than words ever could.
By controlling your emotions, you are modeling for your child how to control theirs rather than giving them lectures.
4️ Connection before consequence
Love is the presence of understanding, not the absence of boundaries.
Children learn responsibility rather than shame when they understand that they are still loved despite their mistakes.
“I’m not my mistake — I can try again,” Connection reminds them.
5️ Compassion over compliance
Empathy is smart parenting, not soft parenting.
Children’s brains shift from defense to development when they feel understood.
Strict obedience could never teach emotional intelligence, moral awareness, or resilience as well as compassion does.
4️. The Healing Power of Being Seen
Something significant occurs in the child’s brain when parents genuinely see their children—not just their grades, manners, or errors, but also their emotions.
The mirror neuron system, which neuroscientists refer to as the area of the brain that facilitates empathy and connection, is activated when you merely observe and label your child’s emotions, such as “You seem upset… did something hurt you?”
The child learns that their feelings are important from this small gesture. Here, you are secure.
Children who grow up in homes that accept emotions learn that crying is not a sign of weakness, anger is not disrespect, and silence is not a sign of indifference.
This emotional safety eventually develops into what child psychologists refer to as a secure attachment, the unseen emotional base that supports children’s self-confidence, ability to bounce back from setbacks, and development of positive relationships.
An adult who doesn’t fear being seen—not by others, but by their own genuine self—is a child who feels free to express themselves.
5️. This Children’s Day — A Call to Evolve
Since our parents wanted us to be able to survive in a hostile environment, many of us were raised to be strong, successful, and obedient.
The world our children are growing up in, however, requires something different—not just presence, but presence; not just strength, but sensitivity.
We now have a duty to teach them to connect, feel, and flourish.
On this Children’s Day, let’s make a commitment to replace control with compassion and correction with connection.
For a child’s future is ultimately determined by their inner sense of security and worth, not by the number of accolades, grades, or achievements they receive.
Giving our children a safe space to be themselves—not perfection—is the best gift we can give them.